Dreams Within Conflict
A Gottman-informed worksheet exploring the dreams and values behind a gridlocked issue for both partners, new understanding and a temporary compromise.
1-page fillable PDF · US Letter (prints on A4) · Gottman Method
- Approach / concern
- Couples & Relationships
- Technique
- Gottman Method
- Format
- Fillable PDF, 1 page (US Letter / A4)
- Access
- Advanced plan
- For
- Licensed clinicians to use with clients
- Updated
- October 2026
Key facts
What is the Dreams Within Conflict?
Gridlocked conflicts often involve unexpressed life dreams. Exploring these with curiosity, rather than solving the problem immediately, reduces gridlock and increases understanding.
Why it works
Gottman and Silver (2015) describe ‘dreams within conflict’ as key to managing perpetual problems. Gottman (1999) outlines the research basis for addressing gridlock.
When to use it
- Recurring arguments
- Gridlocked issues (money, location, children)
- Gottman-informed therapy
- Premarital work
How to use it in session
- Name the issue.
- Take turns speaking and listening.
- Explore dreams with questions.
- Summarize understanding.
- Agree a temporary compromise.
Clinician tips
- The goal is understanding first, not solving.
- Use open questions (‘What does this mean to you?’).
- Screen for intimate partner violence before conjoint work; these exercises assume both partners feel safe.
Worked example
Sharing with clients
Members can download the PDF to print or email, or copy a private client link from the download box. Your client opens the link and downloads the worksheet on any device. No client account is needed, and nothing your client writes is stored on TherapyAid.
Frequently asked questions
What if we never agree?
Many perpetual issues aren’t solved; the goal is to talk about them with understanding instead of hurt.
Why talk about dreams instead of solutions?
Positions soften when each partner feels their deeper dream is respected.
References
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work (Rev. ed.). Harmony Books.
Gottman, J. M. (1999). The marriage clinic: A scientifically based marital therapy. W. W. Norton.
This worksheet is an educational tool for use by, or under the guidance of, a licensed or registered mental-health professional. It is not a diagnostic instrument or a substitute for clinical judgement. If a client is in crisis in Canada, call or text 9-8-8 or call 9-1-1.
