DEAR MAN Conversation Planner
A conversation planner for the DBT interpersonal effectiveness skill DEAR MAN. Clients script each step of a request or refusal, plan their delivery, and reflect on the outcome.
2-page fillable PDF · US Letter (prints on A4) · Interpersonal effectiveness
- Approach / concern
- DBT
- Technique
- Interpersonal effectiveness
- Format
- Fillable PDF, 2 pages (US Letter / A4)
- Access
- Pro and Advanced plans (3-day free trial)
- For
- Licensed clinicians to use with clients
- Updated
- October 2026
Key facts
What is the DEAR MAN Conversation Planner?
DEAR MAN is a DBT skill for objective effectiveness: getting what you want or need from another person while protecting the relationship and your self-respect. The acronym breaks an assertive conversation into seven parts. D-E-A-R covers what to say (Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce) and M-A-N covers how to say it (stay Mindful, Appear confident, Negotiate).
Why it works
Many clients who struggle with relationships either avoid conflict until resentment builds, or express needs in ways that escalate conflict. Structured scripting reduces anxiety and improves follow-through, and practising the skill builds confidence across many types of relationships.
When to use it
- Setting boundaries with family, partners or colleagues
- Asking for accommodations at work or school
- People-pleasing and difficulty saying no
- Social anxiety around requests
- DBT skills groups
How to use it in session
- Identify a real, upcoming conversation and the client’s main goal.
- Write each part of the script in the client’s own words.
- Role-play in session, with the therapist playing the other person and adding mild push-back.
- Practise the ‘broken record’ and negotiation steps.
- After the conversation, review what went well and what to adjust.
Clinician tips
- Start with low-stakes requests before tackling major conflicts.
- Remind clients that DEAR MAN improves the odds but does not guarantee the other person will agree.
- Pair with GIVE (relationship) and FAST (self-respect) skills for a fuller picture.
Worked example
Sharing with clients
Members can download the PDF to print or email, or copy a private client link from the download box. Your client opens the link and downloads the worksheet on any device. No client account is needed, and nothing your client writes is stored on TherapyAid.
Frequently asked questions
What if the other person gets angry?
Stay mindful of the goal, keep your voice steady, and it is okay to end the conversation and return to it later.
Can DEAR MAN be used in writing?
Yes. The structure works well for emails and texts, and writing can be a helpful first step for anxious clients.
References
Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT skills training manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT skills training handouts and worksheets (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
This worksheet is an educational tool for use by, or under the guidance of, a licensed or registered mental-health professional. It is not a diagnostic instrument or a substitute for clinical judgement. If a client is in crisis in Canada, call or text 9-8-8 or call 9-1-1.
